After a crisis of betrayal, it can take quite a while to recover and feel yourself again. You will be changed forever, and your view of your loved one is also forever changed.
What is infidelity, what is cheating?
It does vary for different couples, some couples are comfortable with porn for instance, many others are not, and see it as cheating. Other couples are okay with opposite sex friendships, many are not. However, partners want to feel safe and secure, not feeling their spouse is looking elsewhere for attention. So – any kind of texting, flirting, catch ups, secrecy, with the opposite sex, can be seen by a betrayal for the other partner. It is very painful and devastating, and can take some time to recover from. Many relationships can recover, unless this is a pattern, or the unfaithful spouse is not remorseful or willing to look at how they need to change this behaviour.
As the betrayed partner – what do YOU as the betrayed partner to heal in the meantime?
A big part of your recovery is working on your own inner-self and worth, understanding your value and your boundaries. You can come back to your centre, and find out who you are again. A part of you may feel shattered and lost, and it is a big journey to get back to you. Often, it is a new and improved version of yourself that you will discover.
Let’s make some simple steps:
- Change what you are doing and behaving and thinking and BEING – in other words, do a 180-degree shift in thinking
- Protect yourself and start immediately – this will empower you – and will include asking your partner for transparency, openness to their phone, clean communication, no secret friendships
- Ask them: do they want to continue in the relationship and are they prepared to do the work in rebuilding trust and love? This may be hard to get an honest answer to, as your partner has lied to you. But worth asking nevertheless.
- Be strong, go through the world with dignity and bravery, as this other person’s actions do not define you
- Don’t pursue, use reason, nor beg – watch the phone calls & TEXT messages that you send to your partner that you don’t say things you will regret
- Be honest – do an inventory of your relationship – the good and not so good from the beginning until now. Don’t just look at the good parts, but also don’t just look at the bad parts in the relationship either
- Don’t expect help from all the family members – they will naturally take sides and may make things worse
- Don’t keep saying I love you, as they are not being loveable.
- Move on with your life in that you do not sit there crying and feeling stuck . Keep moving forward in grace and peace
- Be cheerful, strong, outgoing, independent
- Don’t sit around waiting for things to change – get busy, enjoy friends, find new ones, start new hobbies, get into other groups
- Don’t argue or initiate conversations if you are not up to it – keep it superficial if you have to
- You have to move on with your life – do not be angry, cold, nasty. However, don’t always be available to your partner, start carving out some time with friends, outings on your own – let them miss you and contemplate and reflect on their actions
- Only show contentment, happiness, self-assurance and that you have value
- Take care of yourself – be patient – no temper, stay in control. But forgive yourself if you get angry
- Walk away if this situation gets too difficult – no one got themselves into trouble by saying NOTHING.
- Tell them: their actions are causing you pain and stress and it is unacceptance and can never happen again
The biggest work going forward is looking after yourself, finding your strength and talents, the things you want your life to look like, the boundaries you must set for yourself to keep yourself in this relationship. Or to start again.
heather@risecounsellingservices.com.au