IS IT AN ADDICTION, OR JUST BAD BEHAVIOUR
A quote by Dr Gabor Mate, an expert in the field of trauma and addiction is “It is not why the addiction, it is why the pain”.
When someone you love is giving you a lot of grief, arguments, and bad behaviour and you are suffering, you can wonder why they act out like this. Often, there can be an addiction that we need to discover, or it is staring us in the face.
Addicts are in pain, so they seek to soothe the pain through their addictions. It has been said that addiction is the addict’s mistress, because they put a THING above other relationships in their life, including the one with themselves and their loved ones Compulsive behaviours, that they cannot stop, that have negative consequences, can be infidelity, work, sex, substances, gym, Netflix.
If you are trying to help, you would have done many things: pour your money, energy, prayers, and time into hoping there is change. Usually, you spend years and years trying to help them, without it working. You are biologically wired to protect your loved ones from harm.
You have tried everything, until eventually you ask them to leave, or you detach from them. In general, they can often just feel mad at you when you do this because addiction causes self-pity and resentment. The addict feels helpless and powerless.
Like other bad behaviour, the loved one will give you countless excuses for the conduct and blame-shifting it onto you. People do not WANT to let go of their addictions, as often they are in denial about it, and it is easier to see YOU as the problem.
So, they may say to you:
- You are being unreasonable
- Why can’t you accept me as me
- Why can’t you just let me have this
- You are over-reacting, you are crazy, you are delusional
- This is not a big deal
- I do not know what your problem is
- I am not hurting anyone
- I know I am messing up, give me another chance (again and again)
Unfortunately, you as a loved one may have become an emotional wreck because of this, and got depressed.
People can get better all the time, leave their addiction, and start to make wise decisions. However, it takes a lot of humility to say that this is not the right thing, and say you are hurting yourself and your loved ones. You have to have serious motivation to change.
As the person waiting for change, it is hurtful that it doesn’t. Often they do not have the insight or are unwilling to take the steps to change. And you as the partner or relative can end up going into the parent role.
All our attempts are frequently futile to make change. You have to step back, otherwise there is a whirlwind of drama and crisis, arguing and ultimatums. It is an endless battle you cannot win. See the relationship for WHAT it is, not for what you think it is or want it to be. We need to stay out of the bad-guy role.
So, what can you do?
Stop worrying about what they are saying about you or to you, don’t let it distract you from the real problem. Do not try to explain or defend your behavior and actions to others, as most will not understand how the addict is trying to trigger you. Some people will believe the addict, because they see you are behaving differently and they think maybe the addict is right, you are crazy!
You are AGAINST the addiction, not them.
They want you to play the villain, so you have to STOP playing this game. Don’t let them draw you into that, don’t take the bait when they try to start a dispute; just let it go, drop the rope, stop engaging in it, as it is keeping the addiction going.
- Hold your tongue
- Resist their baiting you to argue
- Call some things out – but not all
- It may feel like enabling (to let them get away with it) – but don’t call out everything
- Don’t play villain, be on their side, be the good cop, then they will realise their addiction is cruel
- Allow them to see the truth, then they start to feel bad that what they are doing is hurting other people
- You are being done wrong, and you have the right to feel this way and it is valid, it is just not effective. It is unfair, but arguing about it, doesn’t help or work to change things
- Stop trying to change his or her behaviour, because it is a dance you need to stop
- They know your buttons and you know theirs, so they will push them
- Do not act the way they EXPECT you to act
- Then they start taking a look at their behaviours, and the thought process starts changing 100 times faster if you back up
And stay in touch if you need help and support through this journey.
Heather Kell
Rise Counselling Services
heather@risecounsellingservices.com.au
RESOURCES:
Strengths-based recovery for addict’s family
https://www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/strengths-based-assessment